Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

Every BBC series about the universe.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

2024 has been a rough few years

Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…

WebMd: You’re gonna die.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem