I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
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The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
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