I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
me: this water is not hydrating me.
wife: that’s because it’s tequila.
me: that explains why I’m naked
target cashier:
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Very problematic
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
