I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.
Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Stop being racist to kettles.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
when mom throws a party…
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
