Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Hey girl what’s your sign

Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood

Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.