Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.

grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones

me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want

me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah