Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

Me: [trying to put on pants]

Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple

Comparing yourself to others

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.