Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Well, this certainly took a turn

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

your daddy is a what now?

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.