I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
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How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
this is the news I live for
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Look at this
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching