I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
You Might Also Like
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.