I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
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The “baby” on the left….
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
pizza
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.