I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Good boy 😂😂
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
🤣😂🤣😂
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*