Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”