Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*

I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it