I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
You Might Also Like
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
A great tip. #CakeRex
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.