Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

thanks for ruining it for the rest of us, stacey

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

I will never stop laughing at this

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?

Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…

“I can’t feel my legs”

–mermaids