I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick