Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.

When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

Check out the legs on this baby

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.