Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?

Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.

realest tweet ever.

(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)

Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

[ Playing with Ouija board ]

Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.

OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!

“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?

me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party

wife: that’s not a thing at funerals

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.