Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat

Exec: not convinced

Writer: they’re mutants?

Exec: it needs to appeal to kids

Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

Arrest that man!

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

Does anybody flutter a cape like Adam Driver and yet he still has not played Dracula in a movie possibly because he is sort of playing Dracula in every movie

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally