Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!

First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n

Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?

Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!

Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.

“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent