I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
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*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
