I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
You Might Also Like
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
🙅🏻
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators