Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”

i want to work in this restaurant

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

hostess: table or booth

termite family: we’ll have both

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….

…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless

batman: i caught the penguin

judge: bail is set for $0

batman: isn’t he a flight risk?

judge:

batman: oh right

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand

Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.