Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

KID911: wats ur emergency

SON: sister is staring at me

KID911: did you tell her to stop

SON: yes! she isnt even blinking

KID911: omg ok take a deep breath

KID911: now scream for mom

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?