Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.

It cost me an arm and a leg!

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug

[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university

until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray