I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
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I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
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If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”