Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

I’m not proud

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

Lunatics are gonna loon.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

DAD: please help find my daughter

DETECTIVE: what does she look like

DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.