Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”

Shamcrap?!

“Awful”

Shampoop?!

“Get out!”

Shampoo?

“Genius!”

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.

Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.

2: ok

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

God, I love Scotland

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut