I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
You Might Also Like
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Icarus loved hot wings.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
liiiiiiiiike
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?