Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.

My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.

This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.