Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
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Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer