Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Grandpa: Music today is terrible

Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*

Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.

That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.