Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

“Are you ready to rock?”

Scissors: no

woke up in the middle of the night to write this down

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

Cat: I think i have a rash.

Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

I triple waxed for this?

I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.

A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.

Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what

I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.