Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
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Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Terribly Tuesday.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]