I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
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Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
🤔😂😂
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*