I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
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My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
he looks great for his age
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.