No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
translated into Canadian
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*