Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

How did we not see this back then?

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels