Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

dude it’s called proctologist

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

I think I’ll stand

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”