I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
😂💯
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs