I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.