I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
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The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Proctology is located in A55
