I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
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goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?