I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
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Just organising my finances.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names