Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?

I’d pay extra for that one.

If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

Ooh I do like a good funnel

the dark web is just a goth google.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]

ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.