Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

Hot Hot Hot

me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me

bartender: no

me: … excuse me?

bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Shhh!
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Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.

A friend had a new baby girl.

Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”

My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”

Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?