Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

he’ll never suspect a thing

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”

oh you wanna fight?!

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.