I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
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You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I need a long hot meteor shower
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!