I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
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Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Always a metermaid never a meter
My typo game is string.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.