I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Icarus loved hot wings.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
WWE is French for “yes”