I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner