I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
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Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Tuesday
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto