I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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you’re so productive for your wage
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
they split up moments later
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
*weighs self after shaving
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.