I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
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Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
It’s my god-given right as an American to pretend a bar of soap is a credit card getting swiped on my b***cheeks.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.