I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.