I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
best first i’ve ever seen
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
