Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

Limited budget

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

[someone is nice to me]

*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*

Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed

Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?

Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”