Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

#parenting

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

My safe word is Worcestershire

Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.