I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
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If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
kids play hide and seek like
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.