I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
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Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
I self medicate, therefore you live.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.