I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
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All right stop, coagulate and thicken
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop