I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
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“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
5pm on a friday: call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i’m not working
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
dril cadence
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am