I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
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Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
That’s enough internet for the day
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison