Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A sick whale is called an unwhale

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’

I am not telling the truth.

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.

Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.

FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—

Me: 8PM.

I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

[funeral]

minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*

guy in casket: i am literally dead

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…