Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!

So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

(Creating the platypus)

God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*

Angel: What?

God: You know *hip thrusts*

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

How much for the soul sucker?

Sir, that’s a baby

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.

I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text

Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-