I’m not sorry.
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Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.