I’m not sorry.
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Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
The Weeknd is back
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Let’s Go
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec