@skin_and_i

I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

You Might Also Like

@meganamram

Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”

@bigmacher

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

@karanbirtinna

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

@suzieQ0007

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

@dreamthievin

I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial

@glo_stevens

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…