I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

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Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???


[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
& double the price
“are u ok?”


How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira’s hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?


I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.


If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”


Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!


Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”


Some guy just tried to pay me for a Craigslist item with a check,but I’m not stupid. I made him pay me with a cold, hard, American $15 bill.