@skin_and_i

I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

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@click4amanda

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

@ShutUpThatsWho

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

@thelaurenobrien

How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira’s hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?

@thenoahkinsey

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

@TedOfficialPage

If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”

@ThisOneSayz

Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!

@MyPornKhan

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

@liv_thatsme

Some guy just tried to pay me for a Craigslist item with a check,but I’m not stupid. I made him pay me with a cold, hard, American $15 bill.