Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”
I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724
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A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…