Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

“What’s the worst that can happen?”

Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

The Friday File.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.