Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great

Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you

Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

By Kate Hatos

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

They did not miss in the small print

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.

I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.