Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

next question.

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

no regrets

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow