Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.

Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?

8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.

A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

same but as an audience member

BILLION DOLLAR IDEA

A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.