Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

[murderer hunting me in the forest]

me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.

that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”

Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach

Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*

Me: … Than what?

Friend:

Me: Hello?

Voice on other end: Moo.

A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife