Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?

ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

My dad teaching me to drive

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

[Halloween]

Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!

14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

Who’s your best friend?

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Me: why can’t I lose weight?

Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl