Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”

But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”

Hypocrites.

in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.