I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
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5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
shakira sharkira
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it