I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded