I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
You Might Also Like
Free him
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.