I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
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The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I told my neighbor Terry my chili recipe so now we’re not allowed to fly on the same plane in case it goes down and the recipe is lost forever.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.